NOTE

So as most of you know, I'm ending all of my Onikafaree fics within the next few weeks. However, I've had a couple people asking if I could maybe keep one going. I'm not sure if you all feel the same way but if there is one you might like to keep reading, which one would it be? OR I could do someone else's suggestion which was a continuation of Forever Young? Idk. :) Anywho it's up to you guys, thanks for reading.

x

15. By Your Side - Part One

*THANKU so much for the comments on the previous chapter! I neverrrrr expected to get that many! I'm super grateful, Thanku!! :) I hope this is okay, this one and CM will most likely be the only OF fics I'll continue with but I still don't know yet. And yes, this is only short :/*

She awoke in his arms after an unsettling two hours of sleep. Her troubles slowly swallowing every happy feeling she still hung on to. How did everything slip through her fingers so easily? It was like she'd given up trying to help herself. Maybe she'd stopped fighting because she believed it was a fight unworthy of being fought? The light movement of her face as she frowned made him look down at her. He'd been awake the whole time, trying to figure out what was going on inside her head but he was still none the wiser.

"How long you been awake?" He kept still as he spoke quietly.

"Not long."

"You wanna talk 'bout what's botherin' you?"

"Safaree."

"I mean it, Nicki. How'd you expect me to help you if you're not even gonna tell me what's up?"

"I can't." It came out as a sobbed whisper but he still heard.

"Why not? What's stoppin' you? I'm right here." There was silence followed by her shuddering before she talked again.

"Because you're gonna hate me." She sniffled once she'd exhaled the last of her sentence. The tears trickling down her face felt hot on her skin.

"I could never hate you and you know that." He squeezed her comfortingly. "And I ain't goin' nowhere, so talk to me." He felt her breathe in before letting the air escape shakily. For a moment he thought she wasn't going to talk but soon he'd be wishing she hadn't.

"The baby is yours." The tears only increased as she waited for him to respond but she was met only with silence before he pulled away from her. The movement was so sudden she flinched before sitting nervously in the middle of the bed. "Safaree, I wante-"

"Is or was? I thought you lost the baby? You told me you'd lost the baby." Her tearful words were cut off sharply by his voice as he stood staring out of the window. She didn't need to see his face to tell he was angry. His body posture and tone of voice were dead giveaways.

"I-I did." She looked down at her crossed legs, they looked so blurry because of her tears as she fidgeted with the quilt.

"So why you talkin' like you're still pregnant?" He turned around angrily making her look up at him.

"I am still pregnant."

"So you been lyin' to me this whole fuckin' time?! When were you gonna tell me?!" He moved quickly over to the bed as she started crying even harder.

"I'm trying to tell you now! Stop fucking yelling over me!" Getting to her feet swiftly she pushed past him with as much force as she could muster before heading to the bathroom to get some tissue.

"So, you're carryin' my child. Now what? You got your next move planned?" He leant in the doorframe, evidently angry by her revelation. He continued to watch her as she pointlessly wiped at her tears, no matter how many she smudged away more would follow. "Answer me, Nicki!"

"She's got-"

"She? So it's a girl?" She groaned frustratedly and threw the used tissue into the toilet before slamming the seat lid down and sitting on it.

"Stop. Interrupting. Me." Her nostrils flared and he didn't speak again as she carried on staring at her hands, the tears dropping on to her skin whilst she sniffled. "There's no heartbeat. They couldn't find one. I had to have to have an assisted miscarriage." Her quiet and warped words hit him hard as the guilt set in.

Exhaling regretfully he dropped his angry stance. "Nicki I never-"

"No, I'm not finished." She heard him sigh sadly and walk further into the bathroom, taking a seat on the edge of the tub. "I didn't know what to do, I couldn't have a baby! I was barely taking care of myself."

Trying to piece together what she was saying Safaree wrinkled his brow harshly. Nothing she was saying was fitting but he understood he'd stepped over the line already and decided to hear her out without disrupting her again.

"I had no money for an abortion, they turned me away. Told me to come back when I had enough." She laughed humorlessly. "Can you believe that? Just sent me straight back out on to the street like everything would be okay."

"What happened next?" He kept his voice soft and calm, not wanting to upset her anymore.

"I had no other choice, I promise you." She looked up at him for the first time since they moved into the bathroom. The pain on her face was killing him but at the same time he could feel the anger rising again. Of course she had other choices.

"What did you do, Nicki?" The suppressed anger was undetectable in his voice.

"I tried to do it myself."

Her answer was met with a tension-filled silence as he tried to keep the anger locked inside, it was proving difficult though.

"Yourself? So you aborted our baby...Yourself?" He was emphasising his words with his hands as he moved closer towards her. She was trying so hard to work out whether he was angry or not but right now she honestly couldn't tell.

"I had no choice, Safaree."

"What about me?"

"What about you?" She shook her head confusedly, making more tears roll down her face.

"Me, Nicki! You could have come to me! You have any idea how fucking dangerous that shit is?! People die doin' that!" His sudden outburst answered her earlier question about whether he was still angry or not. He was.

"I already caused enough drama for you. You're fiance even left 'causa me." Her focus was fixed on her hands again before his phone interrupted their taxing conversation. Looking at the screen briefly he did a double take when he saw who was calling. "Just take the damn call, SB." There was a moment of hesitation on his part before he spoke firmly. This whole confession was a mess and honestly it was going nowhere near to the way she'd planned.

"The call can wait. Right now I wanna talk about this mess we're in."

"We?" She laughed coldly. "Safaree, there is no 'we' about any of this. It's my mess and I can handle it on my own."

"There you go again! Actin' like you're alone and you got nobody there for you!" He shook his head angrily. "I'm here for you! I will always be here for you! When the hell are you gonna realise that, Onika?!" 

"When I stop feeling like I have no one." Her voice was quiet in comparison to his loud yells. It hadn't even crossed his mind that since her teens she literally had nobody. Just Drake and Candi and now they were gone. She was all alone.

Lowering his voice considerably he exstinguished his anger and approached her sofly. "You don't need to feel like that anymore, Nic. I told you and I will keep on tellin' you if I have to. I'm here and I ain't goin' anywhere this time." 

"And what happens when things go wrong and you do leave me again? Then what will I do?" She sniffled and wiped away yet more tears. "I can't trust anybody anymore. I'm always the one that ends up gettin' hurt, Safaree. I can't do it."

"Well, I'm just gon' have to prove you wrong then." He grabbed her hand gently, she felt limp and lifeless like she'd given up on everything including herself. She was tired of fighting her way through life.

***

Their argument and discussion ended in the same way it started. Her body laying next his as she slept off the hours of crying. Honestly, he was glad she was sleeping. He needed time to cool down and process what the hell had just happened. She'd just told him she was carrying his child. Again. Obviously he was devastated by the news that she was undergoing an assisted miscarriage but it probably didn't even compare to the amount of pain and heartbreak she was experiencing. The fact that she went to those kind of lengths all because she felt she wasn't good enough and had nothing to offer her child. It made him feel like shit. Looking down at her chest rising and falling steadily he kept thinking to himself, wondering how all of this was going to work out.

Another two hours passed by whilst she slept. The day slowly creeping into the evening as it got dark out. The first thing he figured he should start working on was some sort of routine, she needed stability more than anything right now. His first step in this new responsibilty was dinner.

"The hell do I do with this?" He scrunched his face up and tried to read the jar, as everything else around him continued to cook. Not really being in his area of expertise he shrugged and emptied the jar into the pan, hoping for the best. It smelled good and that to him was a good sign.

As he carried on with his attampt at a chicken curry he was oblivious to the fact that Nicki had entered the kitchen, slightly amused by the scene she was greeted with.

"Need any help?"

"Oh, you're up." He put a glass lid on the pan and turned to face her. "I thought you woulda slept for a lot longer than that."

"I could have but something smelled too good to ignore." She smiled for the first time and although it was a weak and tired smile, it was still a smile in Safaree's eyes.

"Chef Safaree, cookin' up a storm." He spoke as he pulled a chair out for her. "It's almost done, you want a plate?"

"Please." Nodding shyly she sat down and rested her elbows on the table. She could tell how much he was trying, it was endearing.

A last minute change of plan led to them eating in the living room. He did want to talk but having thought about it as he cooked and she stayed silent he figured the TV would be a good way of filling the quiet moments.

"I know you did not just beat me." Spooning some more into his mouth he looked over at her plate and laughed. It looked as though she'd even licked it clean.

"I was starving."

"Good, there's more left over. Go help yourself."

"I'm okay, thanks." She nodded and moved to place her plate on the coffee table.

Once again the silence overcame them. It couldn't be ignored any longer.

"So, with this assisted miscarriage..." He stalled awkwardly. "What happens with that?"

"They give me two pills, seperately. I already had the first one and I gotta go have the second  tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, tomorrow afternoon." She pulled her sleeves over her hands and looked up at him anxiously.

"You want me to go with you? I mean I'ont have to go in the room or anythin', I'll just-"

"No....I do want you to come." There was a small pause. "I'd feel better if you where there." She sounded both nervous to say 'yes' and relieved that he'd asked first. There was no way she could face any sort of rejection right now.

"Okay, I'll be there." He placed his hand on her wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. "If that's what you want, I'm glad to do it."

"Thank you."

"No problem." He smiled briefly before standing. "How 'bout you pick a movie whilst I go clear this up?"

"Sure."With a small smile and nod she shrugged her jumper back over her shoulders and eased herself off of the couch. "Anything?"

"Anythin' you wanna watch. I'll be two minutes." Heading out of the room he felt a sense of improvement with their situation. His idea was to wipe the slate clean, so to speak. Erasing the past and starting afresh as of now. Things could only get better in his eyes, he just hoped that she'd respond positively.

He couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd been laying in bed since their movie finished early when she fell asleep on him. The way she held on to his frame let him know she needed him, it was completely obvious. Nevertheless he didn't want to overstep the boundary by placing her in his bed with him. Instead he carried her back to the guest room and covered her before heading to bed himself. His running mind came to an abrupt halt when he saw a shadow through the gap under his door. It was approaching slowly and stopped for a couple of seconds before retreating. 

She was about to enter but chickened out at the last minute, scared that he'd see it in a different way when all she wanted was for someone to hold her. Crossing her arms tightly across herself she adjusted the large jumper she was wearing and tiptoed back to her room. It was cold, which was what she was used to but still unwelcoming as she crawled back under the covers. Building a barricade of pillows she backed up to it and tried to settle and let sleep find her. She already knew it was going to be a long, sleepless night. She found that nights were the worst for revisiting memories, for once they entered her dreams they would never leave. Slowly twisting the dreams into nightmares. Her eyes got wide when she felt the bed moving behind her as the substitute human she'd built from pillows was pulled away from her bit by bit. She was about to turn around when she suddenly felt the coolness being replaced by his body heat as his strong arms pulled her gently back into him. It was like he'd read her mind, giving her everything she wanted right at that moment.

"I told you, I'm here."

...

*I know it's short, I apologise. I have so much uni work to do and exams are coming up in a few weeks so it'll be a while again I think. But thanku all so much again for the comments on the previous chapter. That's the most I've ever got!! Anyway, I hope this was alright.*

14. Dark Memories

*I wasn't going to post on this one but a reader requested it so here goes! ^_^ I hope it's ok and thanku for previous comments. Also this fic is a little...Darker than my other ones, that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I know I said I was updating Catch Me first but  I'll be posting on that one next though :)*

SB led her inside before shutting his front door. She'd finally been discharged after what he could only assume was a difficult first session with Dr Mullholland. The whole car ride had been silent aside from her answering the odd question he threw her way.

"I sorted out the guest room for you, I mean, it ain't much but at least it's somethin'." He folded his lips partially and looked over her small frame. "You want somethin' to eat?"

"Thanks but I think I'm just gonna go to sleep. I'm kinda tired." She unfolded her arms and forced a weak smile.

"Aight well, I'll show you up-"

"It's fine Safaree, I'm sure I'll find it." She set off up the stairs before stopping. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." She had disappeared within seconds, leaving him seriously doubting the smile she was putting on. He had no idea of the kind of shit she'd been through these last few months but he had a strong feeling that the consequences were already making an appearance.

Upstairs in the guest room she found herself sat on the edge of the bed in a trance. She felt numb like if she was to see something heartbreaking happen before her very eyes right now then she wouldn't even blink an eye. It'd just crash over her like a wave and she'd be the rock unmoved by the force. Suddenly hearing Safaree's heavy footsteps ascending the stairs she waited, holding her breath to see if he was coming her way. The quiet knock on her door affirmed her suspicion.

"Nic? Can I come in?" Instead of answering she stood and walked to the door itself and opened it up for him.

"Yeah?" Their eyes met briefly before he entered.

"Look, I just wanna say that I'm really worried 'bout you. Y'know? You been through a lot these last few weeks and I'ont know what exactly but I'm here if you ever wanna talk you know that right?" By the time he had said his piece he was stood directly in front of her as she tried to block the tears from escaping.

"I know you are, thank you Safaree." As she looked up at him he tried to read her eyes but it was as if there was nothing there. No light, no hope and no strength. Just tired emptiness.

"Aight, well I'mma letchu get some sleep then. I'll talk to you tomorrow." He moved forward awkwardly and kissed her temple before leaving silently. Once again she was left with her grim thoughts and grieving heart. But what hurt the most was the consuming guilt she felt brewing within her. She prayed her actions wouldn't have any sort of repercussions and most of all she hoped he never found out. Her thoughts continued to swirl as she carefully undressed and changed into the sleep clothes SB had sweetly bought for her. She was still bleeding but Lara had reassured that this was normal, unpleasant as were the abdominal cramps but normal nonetheless. Knocking the light off she peeled back the covers and climbed in, allowing the coolness of the sheets to swallow her.



Stopping at her doorway abruptly the next morning he almost spilled the contents of the breakfast tray. His brow furrowed slightly when he heard her talking, she was on the phone.

"No, no next saturday is fine. Okay, I'll see you then. Thank you, bye."

Quickly fixing himself to look completely oblivious to her phone call he knocked gently on her half open door.

"Oh, SB I didn't know you were there. What're you doin'?" She flashed him a confused little smile as her eyes moved over the tray,

"I just thought I'd bring you up some breakfast. You didn't eat anythin' yesterday."

"Oh, thank you but I was just abouta head out." She grabbed her jacket from the bedpost as he just stared at her in bewilderment.

"Nic, you're s'posed to be restin'. I'm not allowed to letchu leave."

"I'll only be a half hour, it's fine." She tried to get past him but he stepped in her way.

"No, Nicki." Her face wrinkled up angrily, the mask was pretty see through though. Beneath the cold exterior she was crumbling, tired and hurting.

"But I need to go get-"

"Whatever it is, I can go pick it up for you. What do you need?" He set the tray down carefully on her nightstand as she just let her eyes follow him.

"You really don't mind?"

"Of course not."

"Aight, well I need pads." She tried to maintain eye contact but he looked away sheepishly as he rubbed his neck.

"As in notepads?"

"No Safaree. You know what pads I mean."

"Forreal?"

"Yeah." Her expression didn't change once.

"Fine, that's okay I got it." He smiled before backing out of the room. "Wait, what kind? Do they come in kinds?" His face contorted with confusion.

"Look, just let me go? I'ont want you to get the wrong ones." There was a long pause while he thought but his answer was still the same.

"Write it down for me and then I won't go wrong." She huffed purposely loud even though she should be grateful that he was doing all of this for her. After writing down the brand she wanted she gave him the paper and watched him leave. His sweetness was already making her feel even worse. She knew that the baby was his, their second child they'd conceived and the second they'd lost too. What she did that day kept running through her mind like a haunting movie with no end.

                                                                                                                                           


"I'm afraid we can't help you, now if you'd please hand me back the forms I have other people to see." Her face looked vaguely sympathetic but not very much. It was as if the nineteen year old sat before her wasn't any exception to what she usually saw in a working day.

"Please? I can find a way to pay I promise, I just-"

"Miss Maraj, I can't help you unless you have the money, today. I'm sorry." She leant forward and took the forms from her hands. "Feel free to return once you have the right amount." Nicki didn't respond but instead let her tears be seen as she stood up quickly, marching out of the clinic and back on to the cold busy street. 

She lay tossing and turning that night, her mind in turmoil. The ever present question of whether going to bed was pointless, once again sailed into her thoughts. She hadn't slept in days but this burden was weighing heavy on her mind and conscience. She'd made her decision though. There was no way she could have this baby, not like this. Laying motionlessly for most of the night she suddenly found herself squinting as the sun started to rise. Quickly flinching her face away from the open window she turned to look at the side table and there lay the answer to her problem, she just wished it had never come to this. After nights of drinking more than she could handle none of the binges had any result and now, she was out of money and down to her last bottle. Her last option was brutality at it's best, something she knew she'd never forgive herself for but it was her last hope.

Taking another long slow drink from the bottle she set it down shakily, the misery she felt inside was showing on the outside as the tears ran from her eyes continuously. The sun was shining through the grimy window as she readied herself for what she was about to do. The nausea was creeping up on her but it wasn't the alcohol. How did it come to this? That was the one question that kept coming back to her, begging for an answer.

"Come on Nicki, you can do this." She shut her eyes tightly and shook her head, the room was spinning rapidly. She was slumped against the wall with only a bra on, her legs apart and ready for what she was about to do. Grasping at the clothes hanger in her hand she could feel it shaking as she sobbed. "Oh my God, what am I doing?!" She cried out loudly, no longer caring who heard her. Quickly grabbing the bunched up socks next to her she shoved them into her mouth to bite down on, she had no idea how this was going to pan out. One thing she did know was that there was a possibility she might not make it through this. But there was no way she was going to bring a baby into this world. This life. She had nothing to offer her. Bracing herself she slowly pushed the wire hanger inside herself, muffling her agonising screams with the sock bundle clenched tightly between her teeth. The rest was a blur. 

She must have passed out soon afterwards, whether or not it was the pain or the cheap alcohol she'd binged on to numb the pain she had no idea. Sitting up off of the cold floor she shakily reached for her clothes, there wasn't as much blood as she had anticipated but that didn't take back what she'd done. Once again feeling the tears surfacing she washed herself gently under the cold spluttered shower head before dressing herself, the tears and pain never once letting up on her already exhausted body. It hurt to walk but just her luck, the elevator was broken. "Piece of shit." She slammed her palm on to the metal door before continuning delicately down the steps. Rummaging through her pockets she managed to get some change together to grab a bagel from the stand. She was about to tuck in when a sudden feeling came over her. The pain was intense, in fact it was so painful she felt the ground getting closer to her face as she fell down. Instantly blacking out.

"What've we got here?" The doctor's voice was soft yet the concern showed through. Nicki could hear everything that was going on around her but her eyes simply wouldn't open. Her body felt hot, almost like it was on fire but no amount of trying led to her body moving. She felt paralysed in a dark prison.

"An onlooker says she passed out on the sidewalk, she's around three or four months pregnant but by the looks of it she's tried to terminate the pregnancy herself."

" A home-abortion?" The change in his tone was obvious to Nicki as she lay helplessly, forced to hear every word. "Which technique?"

"We think she used a coat hanger."

"Did she cause much damage to herself?" She could feel his hands on her and guessed he was examining her.

"Remarkably she's only sustained minor injuries, that we can see so far anyway."

"She's lucky, that's for sure. Very, very lucky." He paused. "Was the attempted termination successful?"

"No." The woman's voice trailed off and as she spoke up again Nicki felt a a warm hand wrap around hers supportively. "I don't think she made it that far."

"This girl is just lucky she even survived trying to do something like that, what the hell was even going through her mind?" He shook his head. "Thank you Lara, I'll let you get her cleaned her up and I'll be back after my rounds to take a proper look at her."

The young woman still had hold of Nicki's hand as she watched the Doctor walk away. She didn't know for sure what on earth had forced her to do something so foolishly dangerous, but she did know how it felt to be pregnant, alone and vulnerable. 

                                                       

"Nic? Nicki, wake up." His whispered words pulled her out of the hideous recollection as she blinked her eyes open quickly. She'd fallen asleep on his couch waiting for him to get back. "I got what you asked for. Here." He handed the plastic bag to her and stood up straight again. "I'm abouta go make some food, whattya feel like eatin'?"

"Oh, I'm not hungry, thanks." Her tired smile and washed out complexion was beginning to worry him. Moving back over to her he sat down on the couch.

"Come on Nicki you gotta eat somethin', you had a rough couple days and-"

"Look, I said I wasn't hungry Safaree! Just leave it!" She stood up and clutched the bag to herself. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Thanks for gettin' these." She looked down as she brushed past him and headed up the stairs.

He sat down defeatedly and pulled his cap off as he rubbed his scalp, exhaling loudly. He felt like she was just becoming more and more introverted than before, he had no idea what was running through her mind half the time or what her smile was really hiding. Obviously it was something dark and scarring but keeping it locked away inside was really not good for her. Finally plucking up the courage he threw his cap back on and went up to her room, pausing before he knocked. He could hear her crying. The pain-filled sobs threw him at first but instead of walking away from her like her did four years ago he did the opposite. Turning the handle quietly she didn't hear him enter and was startled when she felt him moving closer behind her on the bed. He never spoke, his actions spoke a thousand words as he pulled her trembling body into his embrace. For once she didn't fight back, she didn't pull away but let him continue to hold her as she cried into his shirt. Why couldn't he see the comfort she'd been seeking, all this time the only thing she wanted was for someone to just hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. Which is exactly what he did as they lay together on her bed.

...

*I know it's a lil' short but the weather in Australia right now is killing me! Especially 'cause I'm not made for this heat and we don't have aircon lol anyway thanks so much for reading, I've almost given up on this fics a few times tbh but you guys are super supportive, so thanku! Oh and I know some of you are gonna be confused because in the flashback the nurse said the termination was unsuccessful but you'll find out more next chapter :3 *

13. A Clean Slate (Full Chapter)

*Sorry about the cliffhanger :3 Here's the rest, thanku for all the comments you left on the sneak peek! hope this is okay ^_^*

"What about hospitals? Have you checked an of those yet?" Mama Samuels smiled hopefully as she handed Safaree and Jelani a drink each.

"That's a good idea actually, gimme a sec." His eyes were wide with realisation that they hadn't even thought of that yet. Carefully standing he took his drink with him into the corridor as he called around.

"You'll find her soon, I just know it." She gave SB a rub on his forearm before disappearing back into the kitchen. He hoped she was right, who know what kind of trouble she could have got into. Jelani was only gone a matter of minutes before he returned with a newfound grace of relief about him causing Safaree to perk up a little. They hadn't slept for all the searching they did the previous night.

"Any news?"

"Queens Hospital Center, all they got is her name." He was hurriedly throwing his shoes on as he spoke whilst Safaree stood up quickly and skulled his drink.

"They say what she was in for?"

"Nah, just that they had someone with that name. We gotta ask at reception and they gonna give us the floor and room number." Quickly following his lead Jelani finished his drink as Safaree let his Mother know that they were heading out.

They were there in no time, slamming their doors shut before rushing inside. It was pretty busy but they managed to push through the endless queues off people and to the front desk.

"We're lookin' for Onika Maraj? I called earlier, you said she was here." His mouth was dry with worry as the female worker entered her details into the computer. Safaree was standing to the side of him with a similar look of concern on his face.

"She's in room 306, which is on the third floor. If you take the elevator you wanna take a right and keep going. You'll see it." She carried on chewing her gum as she pointed towards the elevators. They didn't take a second to think before thanking her and heading straight to her room. Wondering what to expect when they opened her door.

Before Jelani got chance to push down on the handle he was stopped by Safaree.

"Dude, look at the ward name." His voice was low as Jelani did as he said. His mouth instantly went dry.

"Obstetrics and Gynaecology." He read it aloud and looked back at SB's face before they entered. Slowly pushing the door open they both walked in silently, it was definitely her although it was a task trying to recognise her as she lay cushioned by pillows, sleeping comfortably on her side.

"Oh my God Nicki." Safaree watched Jelani's reaction as he smoothed his hand over his mouth. His words came out as a whisper, probably due to the shock of seeing her in such a state. "The hell happened to you?" Sitting himself on a chair near her bedside he leant forward and watched her for a while. She looked like a shell of the person she used to be. SB was about to start talking when they heard the door open as a robust looking nurse entered.

"Excuse me? Can I help you?" It wasn't a nice question she was asking but more of a request as to why they were there.

"This is my sister, we were told we could come up."

"And you?" Her attention turned back to Safaree since she was satisfied with Jelani's response.

"I'm a close friend."

"Well visitin' hours are almost up and I have to change Onika's dressin' now so I'mma have to ask y'all to leave."

"Wait, please. We don't even know what's wrong with her. Is she okay?"

Her face and tone softened considerably as she sanitised her hands after closing the door quietly. "She was admitted about two days ago with nothin' on her but a few coins. We're just lucky she woke and was able to tell us her name."

"Well what's wrong with her?" Safaree moved in closer to be involved with the conversation as the Nurse began to check over Nicki.

"She said she was mugged and that's why she assumed she was in hospital but she was dehydrated and suffering exhaustion-"

"So why is she on this ward?"

"Sorry sir, what was your name again?"

"Jelani."

"Okay Jelani, I need you to know that your sister is goin' to be absolutely fine. We moved her to this ward once we found out she was pregnant-"

"Oh my God." His hands repeated the earlier movement as they ran down his face. "And you know for sure? That she's pregnant?" With their eyes locked on to her she felt the uncomfortable feeling coming as she readied herself to talk, this time more sympathetically.

"Onika lost the baby yesterday. She miscarried." There was a faint gushing sound as he exhaled and his head dropped. "We put it down to foetal distress consistent with her current state of health, I'm so sorry." She could tell that there was a fraction of relief in their faces but mostly worry, concern and sadness. Honestly she felt really bad for them having to find out all of this at once. "Look, I'mma let y'all stay a little longer if you want. But you have to stay quiet and leave the room whilst I change her dressing. I'll call you back through when I'm done, she'll be awake by then too." She saw them both look at one another before they thanked her and left the room, still in shock.

"I can't believe all this."

"I know it's prolly a lot to take in as a brother but at least we found her and she's safe. All we gotta do now is get her home." Safaree spoke encouragingly and rested a spread out palm on Jelani's shoulder.

"Thanks man." He was silent again only for a few minutes. "Like she hadn't already been through enough, now this."

"It's cruel is what it is. But it's happened, we just gotta be there for her. No matter what."

***

It had been around twenty minutes before they both stood again seeing the Nurse exiting her room and making her way over to them, they met her halfway.

"Alright, I'm all done for now but I'll be comin' in to check on her every so often and later on this evenin' we've got a specialist callin' in to assess her."

"Assess her? For what?"

"Look, Safaree is it?" He nodded in response. "Safaree, you need to understand that these last few weeks have not been easy for her and now with all of this to cope with too I just think it would benefit her to be looked at by a psychologist. A lot of times with distressing or traumatic experiences such as the ones Onika's been through can lead to more illness." She made sure to keep looking at the both of them as she talked, every word she spoke they were absorbing.

"You mean depression?"

"It's a possibility, a high one at that. But that's why Dr Mullholland is going to come and see her. For now though, she's awake and waiting. I told her you were here." She smiled sweetly and urged them to go in before leaving. Truthfully Safaree was half expecting her to start throwing a fit and screaming as soon as she lay eyes on him but it was in fact quite the opposite. They entered nervously, not knowing how she was going to behave but both rushed to her side seeing her already in floods of tears.

"Oh my God." Her cries were muffled in Jelani's shirt as he embraced her instantly.

"Hey, it's okay. We're here now." Looking on at the siblings he waited out the silence hearing only her random intake of air as she continued to cry. Slowly pulling away Jelani let her sink back into the pillows as she wiped her face.

"How did you find me?"

"Actually, if it wasn't for SB we wouldn't have." Safaree looked at him hearing his name and then back to Nicki as she slowly turned to face his way.

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me Nic, I woulda carried on searchin' 'til the end for you."

They sat and talked for ages, understandably she was in tears for the most part as she told them what happened and how she was feeling. It felt good to be venting everything since the last few weeks it had all been cooped up inside her with nobody to talk to. The hardest part for Jelani was trying to understand what kind of pressure she was under that was so bad she had to turn to prostitution at nineteen. And the one thing still plaguing Safaree's mind was the baby. What if it had been his? That'd be their second child had they both made it into the world.

"Lara told me that you know."

"About the baby?" Jelani took her small hand in his as he spoke.

"Yeah." She looked down, feeling Safaree's gaze on her before his voice made her look back at him.

"Did you know who the Father was?" She only shook her head no in response. There was a short silence before Lara opened the door.

"Everythin' okay in here?" She received a nod and a smile from Jelani as she pulled out Nicki's chart.

"When can I be discharged?"

"Actually I can probably sort out out some discharge forms for you now if you want and as soon as Dr Mullholland has seen to you I'ont see why you can't leave tonight. That sound okay?" They all nodded as Nicki sighed out of relief and lay back into the pillows some more.

"Look Nic, me and SB was talkin' out there. We think it'd be best if you went to live with him for a while. I'm so far away and with the kids and Kyla it'd just be too stressful for you to move in with all that." He kept eye contact with her tired face before she broke the connection and looked at Safaree. For a moment he thought she was going to refuse and dig her heels into the ground but she didn't.

"And that's okay with your Mom and Stef? What about when you move back home after the weddin'?"

"Stef left me." He looked down briefly before adjusting his hat.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She started playing awkwardly with the hospital tag on her wrist.

"Don't be. Lookin' back I have no idea what the hell I was thinkin'." He laughed a little only just seeing how dumb he'd been. "I got my own place in New York now so you can stay with me as long as you want and need."

"You sure?" She squinted a little. "It'll only be temporary and as soon-"

"Nicki." She stopped talking instantly and looked up at him. "It's fine, like I said you can stay as long as you need."

"Thanks." Giving him a small smile he returned the sweet gesture as Jelani took that moment to go and get them something to drink, giving them some time alone. They were both shocked at how well she was holding herself together given the fact that she'd lost another baby but it had completely torn her to pieces on the inside, another gaping hole to go with the three others already pierced through her fragile heart.

...

*I know it's short but I'm working on trying to make my chapters longer! I always struggle with trying to keep it flowing when I do long chapters. Anyway I hope this was okay for you all, thanku for all the comments on the previous post! ^_^ *

12. A Clean Slate *Sneak Peek*

*Thanku for all the comments last chapter, hope this sneak peek is alright! :))*

"What about hospitals? Have you checked an of those yet?" Mama Samuels smiled hopefully as she handed Safaree and Jelani a drink each.

"That's a good idea actually, gimme a sec." His eyes were wide with realisation that they hadn't even thought of that yet. Carefully standing he took his drink with him into the corridor as he called around.

"You'll find her soon, I just know it." She gave SB a rub on his forearm before disappearing back into the kitchen. He hoped she was right, who know what kind of trouble she could have got into. Jelani was only gone a matter of minutes before he returned with a newfound grace of relief about him causing Safaree to perk up a little. They hadn't slept for all the searching they did the previous night.

"Any news?"

"Queens Hospital Center, all they got is her name." He was hurriedly throwing his shoes on as he spoke whilst Safaree stood up quickly and skulled his drink.

"They say what she was in for?"

"Nah, just that they had someone with that name. We gotta ask at reception and they gonna give us the floor and room number." Quickly following his lead Jelani finished his drink as Safaree let his Mother know that they were heading out.

They were there in no time, slamming their doors shut before rushing inside. It was pretty busy but they managed to push through the endless queues off people and to the front desk.

"We're lookin' for Onika Maraj? I called earlier, you said she was here." His mouth was dry with worry as the female worker entered her details into the computer. Safaree was standing to the side of him with a similar look of concern on his face.

"She's in room 306, which is on the third floor. If you take the elevator you wanna take a right and keep going. You'll see it." She carried on chewing her gum as she pointed towards the elevators. They didn't take a second to think before thanking her and heading straight to her room. Wondering what to expect when they opened her door.

...

11. Alienated - Part Two

*Thanku so much for all the comments on chapter ten! ^_^ I hope this is ok for everyone, also I won't be posting after today and tomorrow until the 24th of November onwards. I have exams but as soon as they're done I'll be back :)) OH and @Rayebaby92TM has changed her blog name and posted about a new idea for her blog, which can I just say is an amazing idea! This is gonna be so good, I can't wait! Anyway here is the new link to her blog >> http://rayebaby92tm.blogspot.com.au/ ^__^*

Finishing his phone call Safaree tossed his cell over to the passenger seat before pulling back out on to the road. There was so much on his mind, the wedding, Stefani but most of all Nicki. He couldn't shake those feelings he had for her. He never could and never would. Admittedly yes, he'd made a mistake leaving her all those years ago but now he'd come to his senses and she was older. But the biggest fear plaguing his mind now was the fact that it might be too late. Drowning in his thoughts he drove mindlessly for hours to the address he hoped still belonged to who he was looking for. After parking and jumping out of the car he made his way to the front door, knocking nervously. He hoped this would work out. There were two distinct ways this could go, Nicki would be taken off the streets and kept safe or she'd deny any kind of help and hate him even more. Honestly he had a feeling that either way she would end up hating for him for interfering but she just couldn't see that he was trying to help her. Perhaps it was because the only people who had ever been there for her were now gone. She was alone. Suddenly seeing a light flick on he stepped back a little ready for whoever would open the door. It was him.

"SB?" He squinted as he stood in just his pants that had obviously just been thrown on. After all it was late and by the look of his face he figured he'd been asleep.

"Yeah, I hope I ain't botherin' you."

"No, no come in." He looked shocked to see him but opened the door wider nonetheless. "What's got you out here so damn late?" He glanced at his watch and shut the door before guiding them through to kitchen.

"Actually it's about Nicki." Folding his lips he followed Jelani's lead and took a seat at the table.

"Oh." There was silence as he looked down for a minute. "Y'know, had circumstances been different I would never have left her. How is she?" He sounded regretful and sad, which made Safaree feel even worse about what he had to tell him.

***

"How the hell is he about to run off outta here and leave me? Again?" Pacing the lounge room Stefani was giving one of her rage-filled outbursts to Mama Samuels.

"He'll be back soon."

"That's not my point though! Why does he do it?" She shook her head and tightened her robe before sucking her teeth. "I'm goin' over to Tyler's. He's been gone for hours! He should be home." Snatching the door open she made sure to stomp her feet down on every step before slamming the bedroom door behind her. She had just about had it with him constantly going out every night and not coming home until the early hours. Dressing herself and throwing her hair up she grabbed her purse and keys, marching out the front door and leaving Safaree's Mother in silence. She knew her son wasn't fully committed to this relationship, she just wished he would open his own eyes and notice before she had to tell him.

***

Speaking every hour or so Jelani and Safaree had been driving around separately whilst scanning the roadsides for Nicki. They knew she might be anywhere but they could only try. Unconsciously answering his phone, he agreed to meet Jelani in a parking lot near by. Neither of them had any luck, she was still nowhere to be found.

"Well, where was the very last place you seen her?"

"I already checked there." He smoothed his hands over his face and sighed. "This is hopeless. She could be anywhere."

"We both left her once before, we ain't doin' it again." The look in Jelani's eye gave Safaree a new hope that with both of their determined minds they'd find her soon. Perhaps not tonight but definitely soon.

"Do you think things woulda been much different if neither of us had left?"

"Honestly SB? Ion know. But I have a feelin' none of this would be happenin' if we'd stayed." Sighing aloud he moved from leaning on his car and opened the door, just standing for a while. "I'm gonna go stay with a friend for the night, we'll keep lookin' tomorrow." It wasn't a question and Safaree knew it.

"Aight."

Going their separate ways SB drove home in utter silence. His eyes, heart and mind were all looking for her automatically the whole drive home. Just to make matters worse he knew he was going to have to deal with Stefani as soon as he walked through the door. He couldn't have been any more right.

"The fuck have you been?!" Unleashing an all out hitting attack on him she continued to spit venom as he took each of her blows to his back. As she slowed down with her punches and slaps the anger turned into tears before she slumped to the bottom step of the stairs crying. He felt guilty that he was just kind of stringing her along. He loved her with all his heart and that was no word of a lie but she didn't have the same effect on him as Nicki. He wanted to see if things with them would go anywhere before he broke it off completely with Stef.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah I know. You tell me every night." She wiped her tears with the sleeves of her robe and stood up again. "Not that it matters or anythin' but I had some real important news to tell you today." She folded her arms across herself and blinked away some more tears. He knew what it was already, she'd been debating about where to have the wedding for months and he'd seen a venue circled in her diary. But when she opened her mouth he almost choked on a response. "I'm pregnant. But y'know? Whatever right?" She shook her head and began back up the stairs as he struggled to make any words leave his mouth.

"Stef-"

"No, I don't want to hear it Safaree. I'm tired of bein' the only one who tries in this relationship. It's exhausting." She went to move again but stopped, suddenly remembering something. "Oh and I saw that little friend of yours, Nicole or whatever her name was. She's a freaking prostitute Safaree, bet you didn't know that." She scoffed and continued on up the stairs leaving him doubly dumbfounded. Nothing was processing in his mind, it was completely blank. How the hell did he get in such a state? Lowering himself on to the leather couch he lay his head back and just thought for hours. Before he even realised it was 6am and his Mother was pottering about in the kitchen, she had no idea he was still up and almost had a heart attack when she entered the living room and saw him sat in silence.

"Oh goodness!" Holding on to the arm chair she regained her breath as he apologised. "What are you doin' up so early? Have you even been to bed?" She'd caught sight of the exhaustion on his face whilst he shook his head no.

"I can't sleep. That, and there's no way Stef was lettin' me sleep in the same room as her."

"What now?"

"A freakin' bombshell. That's what."

"Talk to me Safaree, what's happened?"

He didn't hesitate for a second, he needed to get a lot off of his chest and here his Mom was offering to listen. He told her everything, from his infidelity to Nicki's situation and the news Stefani just dumped on him only hours ago. Now it was silent as he waited for her to speak.

"Wow." She didn't look at him as she clutched at her coffee mug. "You're not ready for this wedding are you?" Even though she was his Mother it still never ceased to amaze him the way she sometimes knew him better than himself. He sighed, and with that one exhalation of air he silently gave his answer. "You need to talk to her, before it's too late. It's bad enough that you've left it this long."

"I know."

"And as for Nicki, I really hope you find her and get her back on the right track." She smiled sweetly before patting the back of his hand as it rested habitually on his knee. "You made a mistake leavin' her in the first place." And with that she stood up and left. She knew what she was doing, a master-mind at making him think. Which is exactly what he did after she left. Everything she'd said along with his own thoughts and feelings all merged together and ticked over in his mind. He'd got his shit together, now he just needed to put it all into action. Starting with Stefani. Heading up the stairs after breakfast he knocked hesitantly before entering. She'd just got out of the shower and didn't even acknowledge him as he walked in.

"Stef, we need to talk."

"Oh really? 'Bout what?" Stepping out of her towel angrily she threw her underwear on and turned to look at him.

"You know what, so don't act."

"Wait, you mean me bein' pregnant or the fact that we're in a relationship which you seemed to have checked out of months ago?!"

"Stop screamin' at me for five fucking seconds and listen." She stopped instantly, only just catching herself. She was always yelling, never letting him get a word in edgeways. "This isn't workin', and honestly Ion think it ever will." He sat down defeatedly on the bed and waited for her to react but instead he looked up to see her crying, not yelling or shouting but just crying. "I'm not sayin' that I'm gonna completely walk outta your life, I still wanna be there for you and the baby-"

"Fuck the baby Safaree! There IS no baby, I was fuckin' lying!" Resting her head shakily in her hands she let the tears get the better of her.

"What?"

"I said-"

"No, I know what you said! I just can't believe you'd do somethin' so fucking low!"

"Me?! Oh my God! Wait, so you think you ain't in the wrong here?! I told you I was pregnant 'cause I thought you wouldn't leave! How fucking wrong was I?!" No longer caring for where this conversation was going she pulled her clothes on and proceeded to pull out her cases, shoving her clothes in carelessly. Deep down she knew he wasn't committed, he never had been. Especially not since they came back to New York. Not since he'd been back in touch with Nicki.

Their arguing and yelling continued for well over two hours and ended accordingly. She left him. Taking everything with her she loaded her own car up and took off, not even glancing back. That's when it hit him how much he'd hurt her. He'd acted so ruthlessly with her feelings and quite honestly he felt awful. It's what he wanted but definitely not how he'd imagined.

***

Forking out just enough change Nicki managed to get herself a bagel from a food stand. She was hurting, in more ways than one. The bruises, cuts and scratches were one thing but the pain she was feeling inside was worse. She did have money the previous night but after being mugged she'd lost the last of what she had. Now she was just left with the clothes on her back. She hated how stubborn she was but she wasn't doing this to be stubborn little Onika. But to prevent her presence from damaging anyone else's life. There was something heavy hanging over her and it wouldn't go away, constantly following her like a dark cloud. Months of repressing her grief for the loss of her best friend and seeing Drake being put away was finally taking its toll on her. That and the injuries she'd sustained along with not looking after herself properly. Everything was spinning and she couldn't tell if it was really happening or if it was just her mind but coming down hard on to the concrete sidewalk she knew it was real before everything slowly faded out of vision.

*BAM! This may not be very good but I feel like I'm BACK! And honestly Barbz, don't laugh, but I have to thank Celine Dion for that! LOL Anyways I hope this was ok I know Nic was hardly in it....Actually she wasn't in it 'til the end o-O  Thanku for all the comments on the last chapter ^-^*

10. Alienated - Part One

*Kay, I know I didn't post on the day I said but I've been kinda busy and goin through some stupid shit right now....And I've been a lil' bit bad too ._. But I won't get into that right now. Anyways, this chapter doesn't really go too much into law stuff cuz I know nothing about American law...Hell, I don't even know anything about Australian law and I study it XD anyways sorry for the delay and I hope this is ok :/*

Nicki lay awake for what seemed like ages, how the hell was she supposed to sleep? He'd been gone for almost an hour, he said he would be back. Throwing the covers off of herself she let her feet hit the tacky carpet of the motel room as she went over to the window. His car was still gone.

"Shit Drake, where the hell are you?" She pulled her hand up to her mouth and chewed nervously on her thumb as she shut the curtain again. Luckily Jacob was still sleeping quietly, what was going to happen to him if they got caught? And her, she had nothing to do with this. Trying to shake the thoughts from her mind she sat back on the edge of the bed and waited out the silence.

***

"So the girl, Onika, she had nothin' to do with this?"

"No sir, not that I know of and Ion see why he would have any reason to lie to me. He said that he'd taken her and this kid to a motel."

"Mmkay, do you remember the name of the motel?"

"It's on tape, I was wearin' a wire." He retorted with attitude.

"Just tell us the name of the motel."

A.J. did as he was asked and was taken away, since he'd co-operated he'd probably receive a lighter penalty but time would soon tell.

"Aight, go speak to that Samuels guy again, see if he's had any contact." They were on their way back out to the cars as they spoke.

"Yes sir, where you goin' though?"

"Imma head down to this motel, I'll meet you there."

Just like that everything was set into motion as the female officer headed back over to Safaree's and her partner did as he said and went to the motel.

After knocking on his door for a while she heard some yelling before an extremely pissed off Stefani answered, it was well past midnight at this point.

"Yes?" She crossed her arms over her chest waiting.

"May I come in ma'am?" There was an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds until Stefani pulled the door open and stormed upstairs causing Safaree to walk out of the kitchen in confusion. "Mr Samuels?"

"Oh, I didn't know you were here, is this 'bout Nicki? Do you know where she is?"

"My partner is headed over there now, we were just wondering if you had heard from her but I'm guessing not?"

Safaree's shoulders slumped as he led them back through to the lounge-room. "No I haven't spoken to her since she last called." Taking a seat he rubbed his hands over his face.

Before the officer could speak again Safaree's phone coincidentally sung out from his pant pocket. Swiftly pulling it out he looked at the caller ID.

"It's her." It was more of a statement than a way of saying Should I answer? Immediately answering he heard her frightened voice on the other end.

"Safaree?"

"Nicki? What's wrong?"

"Ion know, I can't get hold of Drake and I didn't know who else to call." He could tell she was crying but for some reason she was whispering too. As he listened the officer motioned for him to put her on loud speaker so he did.

"What's happened and why you whisperin'?"

"There's someone at the door but it isn't Drake, and they sound like they gonna freakin' break through it." She sniffed as she continued to whisper. "Please, Ion know what to do SB?" Honestly he had no idea what she wanted him to do as he looked at the officer, they both knew that it was her partner at Nicki's door.

"Tell her to open the door, we know she didn't have anything to do with all of this." Listening to her orders Safaree spoke up.

"Look Nic, the person at your door is a police officer, they lookin' for Drake 'kay? Not you, so if you open the door they gon' get you outta there."

"What?! No, I'm not 'bouta freaking drop him in it! If it wasn't for him I'd be dead, Jacob too probably." She was crying even more now after her hushed outburst. She was sat crouched next to Jacob on the bed as she watched the door intently. "Wait....How'd they know where we was at?"

"Ion know, some guy who helped Drake." He shook his head."But that's not the point, Nicki go answer the door. He murdered somebody." He put more emphasis on the word 'murdered'.

"You don't get it Safaree! He's the only person I have, the only reason I'm still alive right now." She got quieter and before he had chance to say anything else back he heard the female officer speaking angrily on her own phone, she was telling her partner that Drake wasn't in the room but Nicki and Jacob were so he should ease up on the knocking and yelling. "Safaree? Who the hell is that?"

"Nicki, that officer will break through the door if he has to so just open it." He heard silence for a moment.

"I asked you who that was?" By the way she spoke he knew that she knew. "Am I on speaker right now?" Just as he was about to answer she hung up on him.

"She hung up, I think she knows I was helpin' y'all."

"Don't feel bad about it, what you chose to do was the right thing. For everybody." Looking at him reassuringly she carried on speaking to her partner on the phone as Safaree sighed loudly and took a seat, what if he'd just made everything worse?

Back at the motel Nicki was beyond pissed, as if it wasn't enough that her best friend's life was hanging in the balance and now the only person she had in her life to rely on was going to be sent to prison for God know how long. Killing her spiralling thoughts she looked to the door as everything was silent, until she heard a car pull up. It was Drake.

***

Almost three months had passed and Nicki was still the same. She felt like her whole life had been blown to smithereens all over again and she'd lost everything, her best friend, her boyfriend, her job, her home. Everything. Safaree was still trying to prove himself as being there but she was done with trusting people, it got her nowhere so why should she bother? She didn't know if learning of Candi's death was worse or having to say goodbye to Jacob as social services took him. But one thing she was sure of was nothing hurt more than seeing Drake being put away, he was in there because of her and that thought was constantly eating at her. Driving her mad with guilt. Sitting in a store doorway she wiped a stray tear and after finally losing her temper with her constantly ringing phone she tossed it with all her might across the road and watched it shatter. Safaree had not stopped with the calls, everyday he'd try and reach her but she ignored it every time. It seemed as though every persons life she entered she damaged, she didn't want to do that to him. She cared about him too much. Slipping back into her thought she quickly stopped herself and stood up as she walked the dark streets.

***

Coming home from a stressful day shopping Stefani and Mama Samuels walked in looking exhausted.

"Ugh we finally got everything sorted! My dress, the bridesmaids dresses, everything." Flopping down on the couch next to Safaree she rested her head on his upper arm. "You kay babe? You've been really quiet this past week. You stressin' 'bout the weddin'?" Safaree looked down at his fiance's worried face.

"Yeah, I guess I am a lil' nervous. The biggest day of our lives right?"

"Mmm, don't worry it'll be fine. I know it." She rested her head back down as his smile faded again. Truthfully he wasn't even thinking about the wedding. It was the last thing on his mind, especially after last week when he figured his mind was playing tricks on him. He thought he'd seen Nicki on a street corner, it wasn't a good thing to see though. She was leaning into a pulled up car as she spoke to the driver and then walked around and hopped in the passenger seat before taking off. It made him feel instantly sick. As his mind continued to spin Stefani felt his body tense up. "Babe, you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine, promise." He mindlessly pecked her lips and stood up. "I gotta go see Tyler 'bout the whole best man thing but I'll be back 'bout nine." He kissed her again as she watched him suspiciously. Mama Samuels noticed and quickly interjected.

"Well, these wedding invitations aren't going to finish themselves." She got out of her chair and looked at her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. "Best get cracking." Smiling sweetly she led them through to the kitchen to table. Being his Mother she knew there was definitely something on her son's mind and whatever it was he would tell her when he was ready. But she had a feeling it would be something to do with Nicki. Neither herself or Stefani knew of Nicki's previous, and current, job description and since Drake had been locked up and junior was dead, obviously the business had shut down and left Nicki jobless. Doing the only thing she knew best she turned to street work, it sounded ridiculous but she felt like it was her only option.

As his thoughts carried on swirling in his mind he felt like every person he saw on the street was her, but it never was, apart from that time he really did see her. Ever since then he felt like he'd been looking for her, expecting her to be there. As he got closer to Tyler's house he had finally come to a decision, he just hoped it was the right one.

*I know it's MAD short and rushed, I'm sorry but I have had THE WORST case of writer's block! But I hope this was ok and thanku all SO MUCH for the comments left on the previous chapter! I'm so grateful!! Hopefully my next posts will be better when I have nothing on my mind or whatever. Anywhooslebees, what do you want updating next? I have a feeling it might be CM but I could be wrong!*